Adoption

"We stopped pretending that the family had no feelings about adoption. Everyone had feelings...she [Franchesca] could not look to them [adoptive parents] for clues about her identity. As we talked about these issues I remembered something Wendell Berry said: 'If you do not know where you are from, it's hard to know who you are.'"

 Adoption is something I think that has a reputation now that is completely different from several decades ago. Adoption used to be something that had a stigma to it. It was seen as second-best to having children of your own flesh and blood. It had negative connotations for both the parents and the child. It made neighbors and associates wonder why the couple felt the need to adopt. Was the man sterile? The woman infertile? And as for the child, why weren't they wanted? Did they come from a shady family? Were they an accident that the parents couldn't deal with? Or, the most scorned, were they a different race or mixed race? This was Franchesca's dilemma. She was a teenage girl who's roots traced directly back to a Native American tribe. She was bullied in school because of her heritage. But worse than that was Franchesca's loneliness. She struggled with the bullying because she could not find answers to her questions about identity. She was too young when she was adopted to remember her biological family, since she was adopted as an infant. An identity crisis can easily happen to someone who doesn't know the basics of who there are.

Luckily, I think the stigma is diminished in this day and age. Racism is not acceptable in society anymore. Adoption is not frowned upon, and the parents and children are not snubbed for their situation. Rates of adoption have drastically increased in recent years.

However, the identity problems are still there. In order to help a person struggling with their roots, try and help them find out about their biological families. They may even be able to get in touch with them, which can help them feel more at peace with who they are. Adoption is a great option and there is little to no shame in the modern age. There are plenty of children around the world who need loving homes, such as in Australia, where there are many children forcibly removed from homes but only a small fraction ends up being adopted. The rest do not have families and need them. Adoption is seen as a kind act now, not strange.

Teenagers and Technology

"Studies show that the average couple talks to each other twenty-nine minutes a week; the average mother talks seven minutes a day to her teenager, while the average father talks only five minutes. Supervision is a problem. The small tight-knit communities that helped families rear children are increasingly extinct. Instead television is the baby sitter in many homes." -Pipher
 

  This quote may not seem directly related to the idea of teenagers and technology, but it is. There is a large underlying theme: communication. Communication is something that we tend to undervalue in our society. There are many reasons for this, but the greatest reason is because of technological advances. Communication is a natural instinct for human beings, but in recent years our communication skills are becoming much poorer than we should let them be. An important thing to note is that Pipher wrote this book in the nineties. These statistics were taken before cell phones were popular, and before texting and social media even existed. Therefore, this statistics do not hold true today. The statistics are vague as to whether or not "talking" is defined as face to face, or if it includes talking on the phone. Those were the methods of conversation twenty years ago!

In the technology era, most communication is done through texting or social media. This does not even require hearing the other person's voice! It makes us detached from the intimacy that conversation provides. Teenagers are being exposed to these communication methods earlier and earlier in life. Most middle schoolers and high schoolers would say that they have a cell phone with texting and possibly even internet service (iPhones are becoming increasingly popular), Facebook, and/or Twitter. While these methods of communicating are useful, no doubt, they are destroying our relationships with others. However, since these are the norm for teenagers, they do not realize it because these methods are all they have ever known.

Sharon Cecil wrote and published an article in the Courier Journal this morning about the way teenagers view technology. It is drastically different from how adults view technology. Adults use technology as a helpful tool, while adolescents are dependent on electronic devices. There is a generation gap that results in entirely different mindsets. Who knows how the next generation will view technology; just imagine the advances in technology by then!

Imaginary Audience Syndrome

"Teenage girls have what one psychologist called the 'imaginary audience syndrome.' They think they are being watched by others who are preoccupied with the smallest details of their lives." -Mary Pipher
 

 Until reading this, I did not know that there was such a thing as imaginary audience syndrome, let alone what it was. Pipher describes it as a stage in the lives of most adolescents, where they stress about being judged for the smallest things. For example, many teenagers, especially middle-schoolers, are embarrassed by their parents' behavior or fashion sense. I get this way with my mom sometimes. She wears strange things and can act too outgoing at times. Every teenager has felt this way. But why should we care about this? They are their own individual people, and so are we, as their children.

The reason that so many teenagers stress over their parents behavior is because they feel as if it reflects onto them. If a parent acts in what we consider a socially unacceptable way, we fear that our parent will affect our social status. If a child has a strange parent, they might not want to be seen with them because it will make them look like a loser. We have a hard time separating our parents from ourselves, even though we are each an individual person.

Teenagers often have imaginary audience syndrome because they are egocentric. They think that the world revolves around them. Most of us at times have felt like we are constantly criticized, and that everyone is just waiting for us to slip up. When thinking that way, you put a lot of unhealthy and unrealistic pressure on yourself! The fact of the matter is that people don't remember the small things, and they most people don't spend their time searching for your flaws just because they feel like it.

Pipher says that most parents see this egocentricity as selfishness. Teenagers are unable to take the focus off of them, and want to get things their way. I maybe would not agree quite so wholeheartedly, but I think she makes a decent point. There are a lot of times where teenagers, including myself, but ourselves and our happiness first, not necessarily thinking about other consequences for ourselves or others. This video clip was taken from the show Anderson Live, a talk show. This particular clip shows a time where the Anderson had a mother and daughter on, talking about the daughter's desire for a Quincenera (which is similar to a "Sweet Sixteen"). The host also has a guest named Mel Robbins, who is a relationship expert. She addresses the daughter's egocentricity, because she wants a fancy elaborate party that her mother would be paying for entirely. Mel talks about how the struggle of imaginary audience syndrome and the tension it causes between children and parents. It is hard to break down the tensions unless realistic alternatives are shown for the child, something that appeals to him. Compromises are difficult, but possible.

How do we change the thinking associated with imaginary audience syndrome? Is it really just an adolescent phase? While I think the tendency decreases with age, many adults still have times where they think like this, don't they? Just something to reflect upon until my next post!

Sex, Women, and Music

"I told Cayenne about the MTV I had watched in a hotel room in Chicago. I was shocked by the sexual lyrics and scenes. In the first video, open mouthed and moaning women writhed around the male singer. In the second video, four women with vacant eyes gyrated in low-cut dresses and high black boots. Their breasts and bottoms were photographed more frequently than their faces. When I expressed dismay, she said, 'That's nothing; you should see the Guns 'N' Roses videos.'" -Mary Pipher

 

 In this section of the book, Pipher is describing her therapy sessions with fifteen year-old Cayenne. Cayenne had herpes and would curse often. Pipher discussed many things with Cayenne, from movies to school to boys. Cayenne opened up about her relationship with a boy named Tim. They met at a party and had sex within one hour of meeting. They stayed friends afterwords, but Cayenne admits she wishes the relationship was more romantic. They talked about how movies are sexist and portray women in unrealistic ways that set standards too high. They also talked about how women are seen as sexual objects, and this is when Pipher says the above quote. The scary part about it is that Cayenne seemed indifferent to the sexual portrayal of women; it didn't bother her at all! She made a joke about how she had seen worse!

I feel that this isn't something that just applies to Cayenne. We have all seen countless music videos, especially in rap music, like the ones described above. I believe that the sexual nature seen in the videos is one of the most common themes in music videos. They are racy, provocative, and sexual. Yet we still watch them, and usually without emotions of anger or injustice. Even I can relate! I have seen music videos like this and I am unaffected by the degrading images. I think that most people, especially teenagers, have become desensitized to these types of videos. We don't watch them and become outraged by the behavior or shots of the females in the video. Why? And why is it that such degrading videos are socially acceptable? Where is the line drawn? There is no clear answer to this. No one is really sure of who should be allowed to decide if something is too racy or not for TV or even just production. Sometimes large groups of people feel that a line is crossed, and actions are taken. Many of us have probably heard the song "Don't Stop the Party" by Pitbull. It is his newest hit, and is played on Top 40 radio stations everywhere. However, the music video for this song was recently banned from TV in the UK for being too sexual. You can read about it here in The Sun. The video received five million views in the first ten days of it being posted on YouTube.

Although that music video is extreme, I still feel that there are many more that are unnecessarily sexual. Even though women are solely sexual objects in these videos, we do not protest the degradation. I just can't shake the fact that I feel like this should bother females more than it does for most of us! I think a large portion of why we don't get offended is because it is the choice of these females to subject themselves to this. Plus, there are actual women out there who behave like this. Not many, but still some. Some of us believe that it isn't our problem or life, so they can do what they want. Even if it is frowned upon. What compels an artists to create a video like this? There are so many other creative ideas in the world, but this one is ironically cliche. Maybe this is just me, but I don't understand why skimpily-dressed women makes a music video good. I would rather see something that has a small plot. These sexual videos are boring! It is the same thing for the entire duration of the song! While I understand that a lot of men enjoy watching these females, I feel like even they would get tired of watching the same girls for a few minutes straight.

This isn't pornography, this is a music video. They should be kept separate. It is desensitizing young women and making them think that this degradation is okay, and that they should even mimic these girls.

3 Reasons Why Girls Change in their Teenage Years

"Three factors make young women vulnerable to the hurricane. One is their developmental level...Second, American culture has always smacked girls on the head in early adolescence...Third, American girls are expected to distance themselves from their parents just at the time when they most need their support." 

- Mary Pipher

 

I paraphrased this quote because it takes up a whole page, but these are the three points Pipher believes causes girls to go through such extreme change during teenage years. This week I want to really examine these three factors that Pipher points out, because I feel like this page of the book really stands out. I will be going through each as thoroughly as I can and trying to analyze her points. I believe that these themes are going to be very repetitive in her writing and will often by underlying messages in all of her accounts.

Factor 1: Development
This is the most obvious and probably least disputed of the three factors. When Pipher says development, she just means puberty. There are chemical changes that go on in a teenager's body during puberty, and hormones imbalances can throw off a lot of things. Most hormone imbalances fix themselves with time, but while they are still present, it can cause changes in behavior and emotions. And on top of that, girls menstruate for the first time, which can be a frightening experience for some. Girls also develop physically, and during teenage years is when girls start to all look very different at the same time. Some girls may grow at a rapid rate while others do not start developing until later or do so at a slower rate. There was recently a very interesting column in the New York Post about how the diet of children now maybe causing them to hit puberty as early as seven years old! Most girls I know hit puberty no earlier than 12 years old! Girls have more variability in terms of body shape compared to boys. There are several classifications for girl figures, such as "curvy, hourglass, tall, petite, pear, ruler" etc. Girls become self-conscious of their changing bodies and tend to find flaws and envy other girls for features that they do/don't have. This ties in well to the next point that Pipher emphasizes.

Factor 2: American Culture
I think the body labels above are a blessing and a curse. I am an avid reader of Seventeen magazine, and I read each issue cover to cover. Obviously a large portion of that magazine is fashion-based. There are usually one or more pages in the fashion section that deal with ideas for girls on how to dress. They'll start with a theme, such as swimsuits or back-to-school clothes, and then have one model of each body type that I listed. They take their theme and dress the models in what flatters them the most or accentuates their best features, and then lists several other options for girls of this body type to wear. I absolutely love that Seventeen celebrates and recognizes all sorts of body shapes and sends out a great message that hourglass is not the only body shape that is acceptable for women anymore. What I absolutely love about this is that any girl can read this and find something that is made to make them look good. They give tips on how to hide certain body features that a girl of a certain shape may be self conscious about, such as large hips on a curvy girl. While it makes girls feel good, knowing that they aren't totally stuck with what they have, it also seems to have a negative edge. By showing short girls pants that make them look taller, or girls with boyish features to look curvier, they're still subtly putting pressure on girls to look a certain way. However, this makes girls feel less self-conscious and does more good than evil, so it is better to emphasize the different body types rather than ignoring them. Pipher even says that a part of American culture is lookism (I know, it sounds made up. I didn't believe it was a real word either, but if you click the word, there is a link to the dictionary). "Lookism is the evaluation of a person solely on the basis of appearance" (Pipher 23). I feel like we definitely all do this. Some of us try hard not to prejudge, but it also seems like instinct to quickly judge a person based on appearance. It isn't something you can fight. Unfortunately, there are also those who keep these judgments, and that is when it becomes a problem.

Factor 3: Pressure and Parents
I do not think this point is as strong as the other two. While I do agree that this exists, I think it is more of a minor issue. I believe there is a subconscious social standard that teens, especially early teens, are supposed to act out against and not be close with their parents. But I think that as time goes on and teenagers get to high school, it doesn't seem as big of an issue. I am personally very close with my mom, and a lot of my friends tell me that they are jealous that I have such a good relationship with her. I am not ostracized for it as Pipher seems to suggest. I think it is more in junior high where kids think that parents are lame and anyone who listens to theirs are losers. I think part of this separation from parents is just a natural result of growing up. Once a child is in middle or high school, they gain more friends and have more schoolwork and extracurricular activities. Along with that comes social drama and troubles with members of the opposite sex. When they get exposed to this larger group of people, they have the opportunity to connect with more people who they can share everything with instead. And it is nice to be able to do that because the other person can relate. So I don't believe that there is so much of a "pressure" to separate from parents.

Overall I believe that Pipher makes strong and accurate points in this bold statement, but I don't necessarily agree with it one hundred percent.

Blog overview

What is The Modern Ophelia? As noted in my first post, this blog was inspired by the book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Shakespeare-lovers are probably familiar with the character of Ophelia, from the play Hamlet. If you do not know who Ophelia is, she is a young woman who became so distraught with her life that she dressed herself in heavy clothing and drowned herself in a river. Hamlet was written several hundred years ago, yet the character of Ophelia strikes resemblances teenage girls today, including myself. This is where the title of my blog came from. Although the lives of girls today are drastically different from Ophelia's, the emotions of Ophelia and girls like myself are not so different. Adolescent girls today are modern versions of Ophelia. On a side note, I love this book so far. You can check out an excerpt of the book here.

This brings me to the blog itself. Each week I will be publishing a post that links to one of the topics discussed by therapist Dr. Mary Pipher in this book. The author focuses on teenage girls because they seem to change severely with the arrival of puberty. Usually, this is a negative change. Pipher even says "girls between seven and eleven rarely come to therapy. They don't need it. I can count on my fingers the girls this age whom I have seen." Therefore, these posts will cover problems that usually don't arise until junior high or high school, such as eating disorders, drugs, self-injury, suicide, depression, parents, body image, teen pregnancy, boys, confidence, and so on. Being at the end of my teenage years, I, like many other girls, have had much experience with these issues. I have either faced these problems myself or watched someone close to me go through it. These posts will reveal a side of me that people don't often see. It is not because I'm ashamed of my history. The past is the past, and I've learned a lot from myself and my friends going through these things. I know that I am not even close to being the only one to have faced these problems. I know this will sound very sad and cynical, but going through these problems is "normal" for adolescents. Not everyone will face the same struggles or to the same degree as others, but we all can find common ground with these topics.

Those who know me know that I am very open with my life, especially if sharing my experiences helps others. I know not every girl is confident enough to speak up about their internal struggles. I am not proud of all of the decisions I have made, but I am grateful that they have taught me so many things. I hope this blog will be able to give girls the confidence they need to seek help if there is a problem, or to help them not feel so alone in this crazy time in life called "growing up."

This blog is not just for teenage girls! Boys face these problems as well. However, for them it is usually not as severe or common. Why is that? I hope that by the time I finish Reviving Ophelia that I will have a better answer to that, seeing that this question is one that Dr. Pipher seeks the answer to. This blog will be written to relate to adults as well. Parents may see a glimpse into their teenager's life a gain a better understanding as to why teenagers behave how they do. Teenage boys and girls who haven't faced certain issues can learn what some of their fellow classmates struggle with in daily life. I will provide a lot of personal anecdotes and news articles to show the seriousness of these problems. I know that everyone is going to get something different out of what I post, but I hope in some way or another, it will teach you something or enable you to reach out to someone who struggling through these issues. And if you are someone who is currently struggling through these issues, I will show you that you are not alone.

Welcome to my blog!

Hi, my name is Taylor Strauss and I will be writing about the issues addressed in the book "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls" by Mary Pipher.